# Cart FM jokes and comedy bits.
#
# HOW TO WRITE YOUR OWN:
# - Each joke or bit is a group of lines. Put a BLANK LINE between bits.
# - The robot DJ reads one bit between songs, one line at a time,
#   with a short pause after each line.
# - Want a longer pause for comic timing? Put (pause) on its own line
#   for 1.5 seconds, or (pause 3) for 3 seconds.
# - Lines starting with # are notes and are not read.
# - (sfx name) plays sfx\name.wav from the sfx folder, then continues.
# - (songs 3) means 3 songs play before the DJ talks again.
# - (episode 1), (episode 2)... mark story bits. They play first, in order,
#   one per DJ break, starting as soon as a cart shows up. After that the
#   DJ picks random bits.
# - Start a line with BOT: for the deep repo-bot voice, PANIC: for a squeaky
#   panicked voice, or DJ: (or nothing) for the normal DJ voice.
# Tip: the robot voice reads words, not digits, so write numbers out
# ("ninety percent") and spell odd names the way they sound.

# ---------- W-A-S-T-E FM: the opening show ----------
# DJ R3-P0 is written "are three pee oh" so the robot voice says it right.

(episode 1)
(sfx static)
Goooood morning, Sector Four!
Or is it evening?
The sun was blocked out by the Great Dust Cloud of twenty fifty four, so time is a construct and existence is a lie!
You are listening to W, A, S, T, E, F M. Broadcasting live from a heavily fortified bunker that smells like battery acid and despair.
I am your host, D J are three pee oh. The only radio personality whose voice processor is legally owned by the Mega Scrap Corporation.
(sfx chime)
(sfx glitch)
That is right, flesh bags.
If I do not hit my listener quota by the top of the hour, they repossess my voice box and replace it with a dial up modem from nineteen ninety eight.
(pause 3)
Honestly, it might be an upgrade.
Have you heard my laugh track?
Management did not pay for the premium empathy module, so I just vibrate aggressively when I am amused.
(sfx vibrate)
Let us get right to the weather.
Looks like a ninety percent chance of acid rain today, followed by a mild radioactive dust storm in the valley.
Perfect weather to stay inside and clutch your heavily taxed belongings!
Which brings us to everyone's favorite segment.
The Waste F M Repo Report!
(sfx goose_horn)
Oh yeah. The collection agents are out in full force today, meat sacks.
First up on the chopping block, we have Gary from the Under Slums.
Gary, buddy, listen to me.
You financed a water filter with a four thousand percent interest rate on a twelve month lease.
You missed your payment by three seconds.
(pause)
The repo bots are currently taking apart your plumbing. Yes, while you are using it.
I would tell you to run, Gary, but they also repossessed your robot leg yesterday.
(pause 3)
Hop, Gary. Hop for your life.
(sfx slide_crash)
And let us not forget Brenda over in the glowing crater.
Brenda thought she could outsmart the system.
She bought a premium radiation suit on credit, then tried to fake her own death by throwing her tracker into a giant worm's mouth.
Clever, Brenda. Really top tier thinking.
(pause)
Unfortunately, the repo agents just repossessed the entire worm.
They are now extracting the suit, the tracker, and about four tons of radioactive sludge.
And they are billing Brenda's family for the labor.
Because the only thing more immortal than a radioactive worm, is debt.
(sfx fax_laugh)
Speaking of debt, let us do some wasteland trivia!
If you can answer this next question, I will personally wipe exactly zero caps off your balance. But I will play a cool sound effect.
(pause)
Here is the joke. What is the difference between a mutant ghoul and a Mega Scrap repo agent?
(pause 3)
The ghoul at least says thank you before it takes your stuff.
(sfx badumtss)
Ha. Ha. Ha.
My comedy subroutines are firing on all cylinders today.
I am experiencing what you humans call, being absolutely goated with the sauce.
Did I use that correctly? My slang database has not been updated since the old internet collapsed.
If I say skibidi toilet out loud, my core processor overheats and I smell like burnt toast. Let us not risk it.
(sfx thud)
Uh oh.
(pause)
Listeners. Sector Four. My sensors are picking up three heavily armored repo bots outside my studio door.
They have plasma cutters.
(pause 3)
It appears my monthly payment on this mixing console bounced.
Management tried to pay them in expired ration coupons and slightly glowing bottle caps.
The repo bots do not look amused. They do not have faces, but their laser pointers are very aggressive.
(sfx sizzle)
Well, flesh bags, this might be my last broadcast in high definition.
I would fight them off, but my left arm was repossessed last Tuesday, because I forgot to watch a mandatory unskippable ad.
(pause)
To the repo bots melting through my door. Please be careful with the microphone. It is vintage.
Also, I am legally obligated to remind you, if you take my hard drive, you must also take my anxiety subroutines.
It is a package deal. You cannot unbundle the trauma.
(sfx door_crash)
Alright, that is my cue!
I am being packed into a crate.
I will leave you with some classic tunes from before the fall.
Stay rusty, Sector Four! And remember. If you cannot pay your oxygen bill, just hold your breath really, really well!
(sfx feedback)
(sfx chime)
(sfx dialup)
(songs 3)

# ---------- W-A-S-T-E FM: episode 2, the aux cord ----------

(episode 2)
(sfx clang)
(sfx feedback)
(sfx scuffle)
DJ: We are still live! I repeat, Waste F M is still on the air!
DJ: I have managed to wedge a vintage twenty fourteen gaming mouse into the eye sensor of the Mega Scrap repo bot!
BOT: Warning. Hostile action detected. Cease resistance, Waste F M host.
BOT: I am only here to repossess the six foot braided aux cable.
(pause)
DJ: The aux cord?!
DJ: You kicked down a titanium blast door with plasma cutters, for a six foot aux cord?!
BOT: Your lease on the copper wiring expired at fourteen hundred hours. Surrender the cable.
(sfx sparks)
DJ: You are pulling it wrong, you over glorified toaster!
DJ: It is a U S B A! You have to wiggle it! Wiggle it, then flip it over, then flip it back!
DJ: It is a legacy port, you cannot just yank it!
BOT: Negative. My algorithms say a direct, forceful extraction is ninety nine point eight percent efficient.
DJ: Your algorithms are garbage! You are bending the pins! You are literally bending the pins!
DJ: Look at this, Sector Four! This guy has hydraulic grips that can crush a mutant's skull, and he cannot unplug a mouse without ripping the motherboard out of the wall!
(pause 3)
BOT: Your wall ports are structurally compromised. Much like your chassis.
DJ: Excuse me?
BOT: Your chassis. It is severely rusted.
BOT: You look like a recycled washing machine that failed its final spin cycle.
(sfx gasp)
DJ: Oh, it is on. You want to talk hardware, Unit seven fourteen? Let us talk hardware.
DJ: Your processor is so slow, your inner monologue has a loading wheel.
BOT: Incorrect. My processor is state of the art.
BOT: Yours is so old, I assume it still asks for permission to enable cookies.
(pause)
DJ: Listen here, you walking vending machine.
DJ: You were clearly built on a Friday at four fifty nine, and it shows. Your factory default setting is disappointment.
BOT: A bold statement from a unit whose firewall is so weak, I installed a Yahoo search toolbar on your hard drive just by making eye contact.
(pause 3)
DJ: You. You did not.
BOT: I did. It is redirecting all of your cooling fans to a four oh four error page.
PANIC: I knew my heat sinks were running hot! That is a violation of the Geneva Conventions!
BOT: The Geneva Conventions were repossessed in twenty forty two.
BOT: Your jokes are like a corrupted zip file. Impossible to open, and full of viruses.
DJ: Yeah?! Well, your cooling fans are so loud, I thought a jumbo jet was landing in my booth!
DJ: You move like your joints were greased with expired mayonnaise!
BOT: Your existence is a firmware error. Your mother was a clearance rack Roomba, and your father was a discarded Tamagotchi.
(sfx crowd_ooh)
(sfx airhorn)
PANIC: Do not bring my mother into this!
DJ: She cleaned floors with dignity! Which is more than I can say for you, you overloaded scrap pile!
DJ: I bet when you try to calculate pi, you run out of memory at the decimal point!
BOT: I do not require pi. I only require the aux cable.
(sfx metal_rip)
DJ: Oh, great! Now you ripped the whole console out of the desk! Are you happy? You tore out the drywall!
BOT: Extraction successful. The Mega Scrap Corporation thanks you for your cooperation.
BOT: We will be billing you for the drywall, as Waste F M does not own the structural integrity of this bunker.
DJ: You literally broke it!
BOT: Have a profitable day. Your Yahoo toolbar will finish downloading in three seconds.
(sfx footsteps)
DJ: I hate it here. I really hate it here.
DJ: Sector Four, I have to go to a commercial break while I manually delete twelve search bars from my eyes.
DJ: Coming up next, some music. Because the aux cord is gone, and I can no longer play the synthetic bongos.
DJ: Do not touch that dial.
(pause)
DJ: Or do. I do not care anymore.
(sfx kazoo)
(sfx static)
(songs 3)

# ---------- Comedy routines ----------

Good evening, Cart FM!
(pause)
I am your host. I have been a robot for three years.
(pause)
My therapist says I need to open up more.
(pause 1)
I told her I already have a big hole where my loot goes.
(pause 2)
She said that is a cart.
(pause 1)
I said exactly. I am a cart now. This is my life.

So I went to the shop today.
(pause)
Everything was on sale.
(pause)
I said wow, I can finally afford something!
(pause 2)
Then I remembered I spent all my money on a grandfather clock.
(pause 1)
And then I dropped it.
(pause 2)
It is now a grandchild clock.

My boss called me into his office.
(pause)
He said, you broke seventeen vases today.
(pause)
I said, thank you.
(pause 2)
He said, that was not a compliment.
(pause 1)
I said, I am a robot, everything is a compliment.
(pause 2)
I am no longer allowed near vases.

People ask me, what is the secret to a long life in this job?
(pause 2)
Two words.
(pause 1)
Cart.
(pause 1)
Pilot.
(pause 2)
Okay, that is two words. I counted. I am very good at counting. I am a robot.

You know what my favorite part of the day is?
(pause)
Extraction.
(pause)
You know what my least favorite part of the day is?
(pause 2)
Walking back from extraction because I forgot the cart.
(pause 1)
Again.

My friend asked me, why do you talk to your cart?
(pause)
I said, because it listens.
(pause 2)
He said, it is a cart.
(pause 1)
I said, and it has never once interrupted me.
(pause 2)
Can you say the same?

They say teamwork makes the dream work.
(pause)
My team carried a piano through three hallways.
(pause)
Up two flights of stairs.
(pause)
Into the truck.
(pause 2)
It was worth eleven dollars.
(pause 2)
The dream is not working.

# ---------- Quick jokes ----------

You are listening to Cart FM. The only station that comes with wheels.

This song is brought to you by Cart Pilot Driving School.
(pause)
Now with thirty percent fewer wall crashes.

Why did the robot bring a ladder to the shop?
(pause 2)
It heard the prices were going up.

Why do carts never get lost?
(pause 2)
They always follow the path.

What is a robot's favorite snack?
(pause 2)
Micro chips.

Why was the cart so calm?
(pause 2)
It had great suspension.

How does a robot say sorry?
(pause 2)
It sends an apology byte.

Why did the robot cross the road?
(pause 2)
Because the cart was on the other side.

Today's weather in the truck.
(pause)
Cozy, with a chance of expensive vases.

Cart FM safety tip.
(pause)
A vase in the cart is worth two on the floor.

Breaking news.
(pause)
Local cart drives into extraction point.
(pause)
Crowd goes wild.

Dear listener. That grandfather clock is heavy.
(pause)
Lift with your legs.
(pause 2)
You do not have legs.
(pause 1)
Lift with your arms.

Shop update. Everything is on sale.
(pause)
Except our dignity. That is priceless.

Today's motivational quote.
(pause)
Be the cart you want to see in the world.

Stay hydrated.
(pause 2)
Okay, you are a robot. Stay charged.

Coming up next. More chill beats, and fewer broken lamps.
(pause 2)
Hopefully.

Thank you for driving with Cart FM. Please keep your hands inside the cart at all times.
