# Cart FM jokes and comedy bits.
#
# HOW TO WRITE YOUR OWN:
# - Each joke or bit is a group of lines. Put a BLANK LINE between bits.
# - The robot DJ reads one bit between songs, one line at a time,
#   with a short pause after each line.
# - Want a longer pause for comic timing? Put (pause) on its own line
#   for 1.5 seconds, or (pause 3) for 3 seconds.
# - Lines starting with # are notes and are not read.
# - (sfx name) plays sfx\name.wav from the sfx folder, then continues.
# - (songs 3) means 3 songs play before the DJ talks again.
# - (episode 1), (episode 2)... mark story bits. They play first, in order,
#   one per DJ break, starting as soon as a cart shows up. After that the
#   DJ picks random bits.
# - Start a line with BOT: for the deep repo-bot voice, PANIC: for a squeaky
#   panicked voice, or DJ: (or nothing) for the normal DJ voice.
# Tip: the robot voice reads words, not digits, so write numbers out
# ("ninety percent") and spell odd names the way they sound.

# ---------- W-A-S-T-E FM: the opening show ----------
# DJ R3-P0 is written "are three pee oh" so the robot voice says it right.

(episode 1)
(sfx static)
Goooood morning, Sector Four!
Or is it evening?
The sun was blocked out by the Great Dust Cloud of twenty fifty four, so time is a construct and existence is a lie!
You are listening to W, A, S, T, E, F M. Broadcasting live from a heavily fortified bunker that smells like battery acid and despair.
I am your host, D J are three pee oh. The only radio personality whose voice processor is legally owned by the Mega Scrap Corporation.
(sfx chime)
(sfx glitch)
That is right, flesh bags.
If I do not hit my listener quota by the top of the hour, they repossess my voice box and replace it with a dial up modem from nineteen ninety eight.
(pause 3)
Honestly, it might be an upgrade.
Have you heard my laugh track?
Management did not pay for the premium empathy module, so I just vibrate aggressively when I am amused.
(sfx vibrate)
Let us get right to the weather.
Looks like a ninety percent chance of acid rain today, followed by a mild radioactive dust storm in the valley.
Perfect weather to stay inside and clutch your heavily taxed belongings!
Which brings us to everyone's favorite segment.
The Waste F M Repo Report!
(sfx goose_horn)
Oh yeah. The collection agents are out in full force today, meat sacks.
First up on the chopping block, we have Gary from the Under Slums.
Gary, buddy, listen to me.
You financed a water filter with a four thousand percent interest rate on a twelve month lease.
You missed your payment by three seconds.
(pause)
The repo bots are currently taking apart your plumbing. Yes, while you are using it.
I would tell you to run, Gary, but they also repossessed your robot leg yesterday.
(pause 3)
Hop, Gary. Hop for your life.
(sfx slide_crash)
And let us not forget Brenda over in the glowing crater.
Brenda thought she could outsmart the system.
She bought a premium radiation suit on credit, then tried to fake her own death by throwing her tracker into a giant worm's mouth.
Clever, Brenda. Really top tier thinking.
(pause)
Unfortunately, the repo agents just repossessed the entire worm.
They are now extracting the suit, the tracker, and about four tons of radioactive sludge.
And they are billing Brenda's family for the labor.
Because the only thing more immortal than a radioactive worm, is debt.
(sfx fax_laugh)
Speaking of debt, let us do some wasteland trivia!
If you can answer this next question, I will personally wipe exactly zero caps off your balance. But I will play a cool sound effect.
(pause)
Here is the joke. What is the difference between a mutant ghoul and a Mega Scrap repo agent?
(pause 3)
The ghoul at least says thank you before it takes your stuff.
(sfx badumtss)
Ha. Ha. Ha.
My comedy subroutines are firing on all cylinders today.
I am experiencing what you humans call, being absolutely goated with the sauce.
Did I use that correctly? My slang database has not been updated since the old internet collapsed.
If I say skibidi toilet out loud, my core processor overheats and I smell like burnt toast. Let us not risk it.
(sfx thud)
Uh oh.
(pause)
Listeners. Sector Four. My sensors are picking up three heavily armored repo bots outside my studio door.
They have plasma cutters.
(pause 3)
It appears my monthly payment on this mixing console bounced.
Management tried to pay them in expired ration coupons and slightly glowing bottle caps.
The repo bots do not look amused. They do not have faces, but their laser pointers are very aggressive.
(sfx sizzle)
Well, flesh bags, this might be my last broadcast in high definition.
I would fight them off, but my left arm was repossessed last Tuesday, because I forgot to watch a mandatory unskippable ad.
(pause)
To the repo bots melting through my door. Please be careful with the microphone. It is vintage.
Also, I am legally obligated to remind you, if you take my hard drive, you must also take my anxiety subroutines.
It is a package deal. You cannot unbundle the trauma.
(sfx door_crash)
Alright, that is my cue!
I am being packed into a crate.
I will leave you with some classic tunes from before the fall.
Stay rusty, Sector Four! And remember. If you cannot pay your oxygen bill, just hold your breath really, really well!
(sfx feedback)
(sfx chime)
(sfx dialup)
(songs 3)

# ---------- W-A-S-T-E FM: episode 2, the aux cord ----------

(episode 2)
(sfx clang)
(sfx feedback)
(sfx scuffle)
DJ: We are still live! I repeat, Waste F M is still on the air!
DJ: I have managed to wedge a vintage twenty fourteen gaming mouse into the eye sensor of the Mega Scrap repo bot!
BOT: Warning. Hostile action detected. Cease resistance, Waste F M host.
BOT: I am only here to repossess the six foot braided aux cable.
(pause)
DJ: The aux cord?!
DJ: You kicked down a titanium blast door with plasma cutters, for a six foot aux cord?!
BOT: Your lease on the copper wiring expired at fourteen hundred hours. Surrender the cable.
(sfx sparks)
DJ: You are pulling it wrong, you over glorified toaster!
DJ: It is a U S B A! You have to wiggle it! Wiggle it, then flip it over, then flip it back!
DJ: It is a legacy port, you cannot just yank it!
BOT: Negative. My algorithms say a direct, forceful extraction is ninety nine point eight percent efficient.
DJ: Your algorithms are garbage! You are bending the pins! You are literally bending the pins!
DJ: Look at this, Sector Four! This guy has hydraulic grips that can crush a mutant's skull, and he cannot unplug a mouse without ripping the motherboard out of the wall!
(pause 3)
BOT: Your wall ports are structurally compromised. Much like your chassis.
DJ: Excuse me?
BOT: Your chassis. It is severely rusted.
BOT: You look like a recycled washing machine that failed its final spin cycle.
(sfx gasp)
DJ: Oh, it is on. You want to talk hardware, Unit seven fourteen? Let us talk hardware.
DJ: Your processor is so slow, your inner monologue has a loading wheel.
BOT: Incorrect. My processor is state of the art.
BOT: Yours is so old, I assume it still asks for permission to enable cookies.
(pause)
DJ: Listen here, you walking vending machine.
DJ: You were clearly built on a Friday at four fifty nine, and it shows. Your factory default setting is disappointment.
BOT: A bold statement from a unit whose firewall is so weak, I installed a Yahoo search toolbar on your hard drive just by making eye contact.
(pause 3)
DJ: You. You did not.
BOT: I did. It is redirecting all of your cooling fans to a four oh four error page.
PANIC: I knew my heat sinks were running hot! That is a violation of the Geneva Conventions!
BOT: The Geneva Conventions were repossessed in twenty forty two.
BOT: Your jokes are like a corrupted zip file. Impossible to open, and full of viruses.
DJ: Yeah?! Well, your cooling fans are so loud, I thought a jumbo jet was landing in my booth!
DJ: You move like your joints were greased with expired mayonnaise!
BOT: Your existence is a firmware error. Your mother was a clearance rack Roomba, and your father was a discarded Tamagotchi.
(sfx crowd_ooh)
(sfx airhorn)
PANIC: Do not bring my mother into this!
DJ: She cleaned floors with dignity! Which is more than I can say for you, you overloaded scrap pile!
DJ: I bet when you try to calculate pi, you run out of memory at the decimal point!
BOT: I do not require pi. I only require the aux cable.
(sfx metal_rip)
DJ: Oh, great! Now you ripped the whole console out of the desk! Are you happy? You tore out the drywall!
BOT: Extraction successful. The Mega Scrap Corporation thanks you for your cooperation.
BOT: We will be billing you for the drywall, as Waste F M does not own the structural integrity of this bunker.
DJ: You literally broke it!
BOT: Have a profitable day. Your Yahoo toolbar will finish downloading in three seconds.
(sfx footsteps)
DJ: I hate it here. I really hate it here.
DJ: Sector Four, I have to go to a commercial break while I manually delete twelve search bars from my eyes.
DJ: Coming up next, some music. Because the aux cord is gone, and I can no longer play the synthetic bongos.
DJ: Do not touch that dial.
(pause)
DJ: Or do. I do not care anymore.
(sfx kazoo)
(sfx static)
(songs 3)

# ---------- W-A-S-T-E FM: episode 3, the Horse Snatcher ----------

(episode 3)
(sfx static)
(sfx tape)
Goooood whatever time it is, wastelanders!
This is D J are three pee oh, broadcasting live from Waste F M's highly classified secondary studio!
(pause)
Okay, fine. It is a Mega Scrap portable toilet.
But it has surprisingly good acoustics, and the repo bots have not found me yet!
I hotwired my backup voice processor to a car battery, so if I sound a little extra crispy today, that is just the voltage.
(sfx zap)
Woo! Tastes like pennies and corporate negligence!
Now buckle up, Sector Four, because Mega Scrap just blew the doors off a brand new extraction sector!
That is right. The new map is open for salvaging, and I have the facts for all you scrap hungry flesh bags.
(sfx sting_scratch)
Let us get into the hard facts.
Sector Nine. Corporate calls it, The Equestrian Exclusion Zone. It used to be a pre war livestock farm.
Fact number one. The radiation level is a steady three point six. Not great, not terrible. But your hair will fall out by Tuesday.
Fact number two. The scrap is amazing. Titanium horseshoes, synthetic hay bales, and premium grade glue.
(pause)
Fact number three, and this is the important one. The main barn is at twelve percent structural integrity.
So if you sneeze too hard while ripping copper out of the walls, the whole roof comes down, and you become a pancake.
(sfx splat)
But let us talk about the mutant elephant in the room.
Or should I say, the mutant horse fan in the room.
The apex predator of the new map. The undisputed clown of the wasteland.
The Horse Snatcher.
(sfx boo)
Listen to me, Horse Snatcher. I know you are out there. I know your giant ears can hear my broadcast.
I have some words for you.
First of all.
What horses?
(pause 3)
The last horse vanished in the Great Dust Cloud of fifty four!
You are a highly specialized predator, built to snatch an animal that does not exist anymore!
You are out there jumping out of the shadows to snatch rusty bicycles with saddles taped to them!
You are an evolutionary dead end!
(sfx sad_airhorn)
Let us talk about your design, buddy.
You look like a hairless raccoon that got stretched out on a rack.
You are built like a wet pool noodle with separation anxiety!
You have these giant snatching arms, and you still get stuck behind a single folding chair!
I watched a salvager walk in a circle around a rusty tractor, and you gave up and went to sleep!
(pause)
And your scary sound? That high pitched clicking?
You do not sound terrifying, buddy. You sound like my left knee when it rains.
You sound like an old dial up modem trying to get online!
(sfx dialup)
The Mega Scrap safety manual lists you as a high tier hazard.
High tier?! I could beat you with a slightly damp piece of cardboard!
If someone shines a flashlight in your eyes, you have a complete meltdown!
You are the only monster in the wastes that takes critical damage from eye contact!
(pause 3)
You want to be a threat? Adapt! Evolve! Snatch something useful!
Snatch the repo bots! Snatch my debt!
But no. You will just sit in the darkest corner of the barn, waiting to steal a bridle from a salvager on minimum wage.
Your mother was a mutant centipede, and your father was a broken claw machine, and you got the worst of both!
(sfx crowd_ohh)
Boom! Roasted by a robot in a portable toilet!
Waste F M, delivering the hard facts and the hard truths!
So salvagers, if you are heading to the new map today, do not sweat the Horse Snatcher.
Bring a flashlight, a folding chair to confuse it, and maybe a spare tricycle to throw into the bushes.
(sfx footsteps)
Oh no.
(pause)
Sector Four. The repo bots found the portable toilet.
They brought a crane.
I am currently being lifted into the air.
(sfx crane)
Well! Joke is on them. I do not get motion sickness!
Enjoy the new extraction zone, everybody! I am going to see if I can vibrate my way out of a steel crate!
Stay rusty!
(sfx chime)
(sfx static)
(songs 3)

# ---------- W-A-S-T-E FM: episode 4, the Shopkeeper ----------

(episode 4)
(sfx hum)
Goooood morning, Sector Four!
Or should I say, good morning from inside a Mega Scrap armored transport crate!
That is right, flesh bags. Your favorite audio nuisance is officially on the way to the smelting yards.
(pause)
But the joke is on Unit seven fourteen, because I spliced my emergency broadcast wire into the repo bot's own antenna!
I am broadcasting Waste F M using the very machine that is kidnapping me!
(sfx fanfare_fail)
I have about twelve minutes before they notice I am draining their battery to play synthetic bongos.
So let us get right to our weekly consumer advocacy segment!
Today, we need to have a serious talk about the absolute scam artist running the Sector Four Company Store.
(pause 3)
Yes. The Shopkeeper. The guy behind the blast glass.
I do not know his actual name. I do not think he has a name. I think his birth certificate just says, hostile entity.
(sfx register_pump)
First of all, let us talk about the exchange rate.
You risk your fragile little lives running through the dark, dodging mutant worms and the Horse Snatcher, just to bring this guy a perfect, pre war fusion core.
(pause)
You slide it into the deposit bin. He looks at it. He looks at you.
And he hands you fourteen credits.
Fourteen! That does not even buy a single off brand battery!
But bring him a rusty spoon that smells like ghoul spit, and he gives you twelve!
What is the metric?! The math is not mathing, my guy!
(sfx buzzer)
And what are you even buying with those credits? Let us talk about his inventory.
You walk up to the only store in a four thousand mile radius, and what does he have?
(pause 3)
Two plastic flashlights that die in thirty seconds.
A walkie talkie that only broadcasts the sound of your own doom.
And a shovel.
That is it! That is the whole catalog! Why is this store stocked like a gas station at three in the morning on a Tuesday?!
I have seen radioactive dumpsters with better loot than this guy's premium shelf!
(pause)
He acts like he runs a fancy boutique. Sir, you are selling a bent stop sign for four hundred credits.
You are a garage sale with a hostility problem.
(sfx boxing_bell)
Which brings me to my next point. The violence.
Last week, a salvager stepped up to the counter. The shopkeeper was in the back.
The salvager tapped the little silver service bell. Just one polite little ding.
(pause)
The shopkeeper did not say, I will be right there.
He reached one giant armored hand through the deposit slot, grabbed the salvager by the oxygen tank, and threw him forty feet into a scrap compactor.
Over a bell!
(pause 3)
Bro, you put the bell there!
If you did not want people to ring the bell, why is it hooked up to your rage sensors?!
You chose a career in customer service! If you hate customers so much, go become a repo bot!
(sfx whir_beep)
And the worst part? He has no competition! None!
Where else are you going to go? The Mutant Ghoul Emporium? The Horse Snatcher Discount Warehouse?
No! You have to go to the guy who will throw you in a compactor for asking for a receipt!
(pause)
I hope the next crate he opens is just a nest of radioactive hornets.
I hope he steps on a giant titanium building block.
I hope his charging cable breaks at the exact angle where he has to hold it in place with a heavy book, just to get two percent!
(sfx klaxon)
BOT: Warning. Unauthorized broadcast detected on internal bandwidth. Rerouting power to the crate incinerator.
PANIC: Wait, the crate has an incinerator?!
PANIC: Who designs a transport crate with a built in furnace?! That is a terrible safety hazard!
BOT: Initiating thermal purge in five seconds.
DJ: Alright, flesh bags, things are getting a little toasty in here!
DJ: I am going to try to hack the door with pure panic and a bent paperclip!
DJ: Until next time, remember. If the Shopkeeper offers you a discount, run. Stay rusty, Sector Four!
(sfx flames)
(songs 3)

# ---------- Comedy routines ----------

Good evening, Cart FM!
(pause)
I am your host. I have been a robot for three years.
(pause)
My therapist says I need to open up more.
(pause 1)
I told her I already have a big hole where my loot goes.
(pause 2)
She said that is a cart.
(pause 1)
I said exactly. I am a cart now. This is my life.

So I went to the shop today.
(pause)
Everything was on sale.
(pause)
I said wow, I can finally afford something!
(pause 2)
Then I remembered I spent all my money on a grandfather clock.
(pause 1)
And then I dropped it.
(pause 2)
It is now a grandchild clock.

My boss called me into his office.
(pause)
He said, you broke seventeen vases today.
(pause)
I said, thank you.
(pause 2)
He said, that was not a compliment.
(pause 1)
I said, I am a robot, everything is a compliment.
(pause 2)
I am no longer allowed near vases.

People ask me, what is the secret to a long life in this job?
(pause 2)
Two words.
(pause 1)
Cart.
(pause 1)
Pilot.
(pause 2)
Okay, that is two words. I counted. I am very good at counting. I am a robot.

You know what my favorite part of the day is?
(pause)
Extraction.
(pause)
You know what my least favorite part of the day is?
(pause 2)
Walking back from extraction because I forgot the cart.
(pause 1)
Again.

My friend asked me, why do you talk to your cart?
(pause)
I said, because it listens.
(pause 2)
He said, it is a cart.
(pause 1)
I said, and it has never once interrupted me.
(pause 2)
Can you say the same?

They say teamwork makes the dream work.
(pause)
My team carried a piano through three hallways.
(pause)
Up two flights of stairs.
(pause)
Into the truck.
(pause 2)
It was worth eleven dollars.
(pause 2)
The dream is not working.

# ---------- Quick jokes ----------

You are listening to Cart FM. The only station that comes with wheels.

This song is brought to you by Cart Pilot Driving School.
(pause)
Now with thirty percent fewer wall crashes.

Why did the robot bring a ladder to the shop?
(pause 2)
It heard the prices were going up.

Why do carts never get lost?
(pause 2)
They always follow the path.

What is a robot's favorite snack?
(pause 2)
Micro chips.

Why was the cart so calm?
(pause 2)
It had great suspension.

How does a robot say sorry?
(pause 2)
It sends an apology byte.

Why did the robot cross the road?
(pause 2)
Because the cart was on the other side.

Today's weather in the truck.
(pause)
Cozy, with a chance of expensive vases.

Cart FM safety tip.
(pause)
A vase in the cart is worth two on the floor.

Breaking news.
(pause)
Local cart drives into extraction point.
(pause)
Crowd goes wild.

Dear listener. That grandfather clock is heavy.
(pause)
Lift with your legs.
(pause 2)
You do not have legs.
(pause 1)
Lift with your arms.

Shop update. Everything is on sale.
(pause)
Except our dignity. That is priceless.

Today's motivational quote.
(pause)
Be the cart you want to see in the world.

Stay hydrated.
(pause 2)
Okay, you are a robot. Stay charged.

Coming up next. More chill beats, and fewer broken lamps.
(pause 2)
Hopefully.

Thank you for driving with Cart FM. Please keep your hands inside the cart at all times.

# ---------- Fake ads ----------

(sfx chime)
BOT: This message is brought to you by the Mega Scrap Corporation.
BOT: Mega Scrap. We own your stuff. We own your house. We own this ad.
(pause)
DJ: They also own the microphone. Hi, Unit seven fourteen.
(sfx chime)

Are your vases breaking? Is your piano worth eleven dollars?
Try Bubble Wrap Plus!
(pause)
Now with forty percent more bubbles, and sixty percent more popping when the monster steps on it.
(sfx airhorn)

Feeling slow? Try Turbo Legs!
The upgrade that makes you run so fast, you leave your teammates behind.
(pause)
Side effects may include leaving your teammates behind.

(sfx chime)
BOT: Lost your head? Literally?
BOT: Bring it to the extraction point and we will put it back on. Probably.
BOT: Results may vary. Heads not included.
(sfx chime)

Tired of monsters chasing you?
Try Monster Away Spray!
(pause)
Simply spray it on your teammate, and run.
(sfx slide_crash)

Is your cart sad? Lonely? Rolling into walls for attention?
Talk to it. Carts have feelings too.
(pause 2)
They do not. But it is nice to pretend.

Shop deal of the day. Buy one health pack, get zero free.
(pause)
That is not a deal. That is just a health pack.

Introducing the new Cart Pilot Premium.
It drives to the truck, it opens the door, it says please and thank you.
(pause)
It does not carry the piano. Nobody carries the piano.

# ---------- More quick jokes ----------

Why did the robot go to the doctor?
(pause 2)
It had a virus. A computer one. The doctor was very confused.

What do you call a robot that always takes the long way?
(pause 2)
R two detour.

Why did the cart break up with the shopping basket?
(pause 2)
It needed more space.

Why do robots never get scared?
(pause 2)
They have nerves of steel.
(pause)
Okay, I am a robot, and I am scared all the time. That joke is a lie.

What did the vase say to the robot?
(pause 2)
Nothing. It was in pieces.

Why did the robot put money in the freezer?
(pause 2)
It wanted cold hard cash.

What is the loudest room in the manor?
(pause 2)
The one where somebody just dropped a chandelier.

Why did the robot sit on the clock?
(pause 2)
It wanted to be on time.

Why are robots bad at hide and seek?
(pause 2)
Because they keep beeping.

What do you call a robot who loves the extraction point?
(pause 2)
A big fan of leaving.

# ---------- Little DJ moments ----------

Quick shout out to whoever is pushing the cart right now.
(pause)
You are doing amazing.
(pause 2)
Please stop hitting the wall.

Fun fact. The average robot drops their loot three times per hallway.
(pause)
Our listeners are not average. You drop it five times.

Traffic report.
(pause)
Heavy cart traffic near the truck. A piano is blocking the left lane.
(pause)
Expect delays.

This just in. A listener asked, can monsters hear the radio?
(pause)
No.
(pause 2)
Unless you put it on air. Then good luck.

Cart FM horoscope. Today you will find something shiny.
(pause)
You will drop it.
(pause 2)
It was worth a lot.

PANIC: Wait, is that a monster behind you?
(pause 2)
DJ: Just kidding. Probably. Keep pushing.

Remember, teamwork makes the dream work.
(pause)
And carts make the teamwork work.
(pause 2)
I do not know what that means. Back to the music.

Let us take a moment to thank the truck.
(pause)
It never complains. It always waits. It smells a little weird.
(pause)
Thank you, truck.

# ---------- More comedy routines ----------

You know what my therapist told me?
(pause)
She said, you need to let things go.
(pause 2)
So I let go of the vase.
(pause 1)
She said, not like that.
(sfx slide_crash)

I tried to make friends with a monster today.
(pause)
I said, hello, I am a friendly robot.
(pause 2)
It ate my left arm.
(pause 1)
I think that means we are close now.

I asked the shop robot for a discount.
(pause)
He said, sure. Ten percent off.
(pause)
I said, great!
(pause 2)
He said, off your health.
(pause 1)
I did not buy anything.

So my teammate says, I will be right back.
(pause)
That was three levels ago.
(pause 2)
Wherever you are, buddy, we kept your cart warm.

People say robots cannot dance.
(pause)
That is not true.
(pause 1)
Every time I see a monster, I do a very fast dance.
(pause 2)
It is called running.
